Love or Infatuation?

By N. Moreau

Have you ever been a victim of unrequited love? That feeling where you can't seem to get them out of your mind, and every interaction you have with them ignites a spark within you, but unsure if they feel the same? Almost as though you are standing on the very edge of a precipice, about to confess all your love for that one person, but too cowardly to jump?

It might just be a crush. But when this crush becomes all-consuming, and you find yourself in a state of infatuation or obsession, to the point where you can’t focus because your mind is constantly occupied by fantasies of the other person, you might be in a limerent state.

Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence refers to an intense longing for another person even when they don't fully reciprocate. The limerent object, AKA the other person, is usually someone far away. Your mind creates an idealized version of them, glossing over their flaws and magnifying their good qualities. Suddenly, they become your white knight, your beacon of hope and goodness in this cruel world. No one is as good as them, and every shared glance is monumental. It is euphoric, exhilarating, but also maddening. The butterflies become your joy, and you constantly search for opportunities to talk to them. It's as if your entire world revolves around this one person, and no word seems to better describe it than love.

However, most of the time, you aren't in love. Instead, you are obsessed with the idea of love. Love is a deeper and more lasting emotional bond between two people, rather than the intrusive, intense, and often irrational feelings of attraction.

This enchanting state might seem harmless at first. After all, it feels like it’s only “dreamy escapism with none of the risks of a real-life relationship”, Britten 2022. But then, suddenly, the longing for reciprocation becomes a desperate pursuit, driving you towards risky and impulsive behaviors, almost as if you are a drug addict in search of the adrenaline of a conversation, or even a shared glace. Obsessively thinking about another person can significantly impact one's mental health. Furthermore, limerence is often unrequited, leading to feelings of rejection, despair, and heartbreak.

There isn’t a single cure for limerence. When infatuation borders on obsession, one can only wait for it to fade. Some suggest going no-contact, but that is often impossible; it is completely unreasonable to leave a place of work or school due to a wild, perplexing, unrequited passion. Another option is to focus on their bad qualities, framing them as human rather than the supposed love of your life. Finally, you could always jump off the cliff and confess your feelings – but don't be surprised when the fall breaks your heart.

Limerence, despite how enormous it feels, is temporary. Obsession is not a sustainable foundation for healthy relationships and often leads to severe power imbalances in couples. It is also not unique; most of us have felt or will feel this all-consuming infatuation at some point in our lives. If you find yourself in this situation, feeling as though there is nothing you can do about it other than admire them from a safe distance, I promise you it will pass. After all, it's just a crush…

Source/inspiration: Britten, Fleur. “What Love Addiction Feels Like.” British Vogue, 23 Nov. 2022, www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/limerance-experience.